


Falling Hard and Fast

by KatsukiSin



Series: Blank Pages, Waiting to Be Filled [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Asexual Castiel (Supernatural), Asexuality, Book Club, Castiel & Sam Winchester Bonding, Demisexual Sam Winchester, Gen, Queer Themes, Romeo and Juliet References, Sam and Cas use their words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:41:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28373337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatsukiSin/pseuds/KatsukiSin
Summary: In which Sam doesn't know how the conversation went from Romeo and Juliet to queer identities, but Sam isn't completely opposed to it.(( Can be read as a comprehensive one-shot even without reading the first two installments of my book club verse
Relationships: Castiel & Sam Winchester, Past Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester - Relationship
Series: Blank Pages, Waiting to Be Filled [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2005186
Comments: 5
Kudos: 46





	Falling Hard and Fast

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of past non-con/ dubious consent (it's outside of the Jess/Sam pairing, don't worry)

Castiel wrinkled his nose when Sam pushed a steaming mug across the table. He looked up at the hunter, brows scrunched in confusion and displeasure. 

“What?” Sam asked, raising his own mug to his lips. “It’s hot cocoa.”

Castiel opened his mouth to respond, but Sam cut him off. “I know that you don’t need to eat or drink to survive, but there are some things that you just do for fun. Like movie nights, and road trips, and,” Sam paused, nudging the mug closer to the angel. “Hot cocoa.”

The angel cast an uncertain glance at the steaming liquid. He looked up at Sam like he was going to protest again, but the second he met the Winchester’s puppy dog eyes, his resolve crumbled. 

Cas tentatively grabbed the mug and took a sip. His face scrunched in displeasure as he forced the liquid down.

Sam, who had been smiling softly as the angel took a sip, now frowned. “You didn’t like it?”

“The molecules were so… excited.”

Sam blinked. “You could _feel_ the molecules moving in your mouth?”

“Yes.” Castiel huffed. “Like having a handful of bugs roaming around in there.”

“Oh.” Sam was just about to apologize and take the mug back when Cas downed another sip with a grimace. “Cas! You don’t have to keep drinking it if you don’t want to.”

Castiel aimed an unimpressed look at Sam before drinking more hot cocoa with a defiant air. “It won’t kill me.”

“But why…” His voice trailed off as he realized the angel was drinking the unsavory liquid purely to make Sam happy. “It’ll cool off soon enough,” Sam said to cover the warmth that shot through him at the realization. “I’m sure it will be easier to drink then.”

Cas hummed in acknowledgment. “You finished the reading?”

Sam walked to the bookshelf on the left-hand wall, pulling out two copies of William Shakespeare’s _Romeo and Juliet._ “Yep.” The hunter handed one to Cas before settling down in his seat beside the angel. “Did you enjoy the play? Or did it feel too… familiar? You know, like how The Epic of Gilgamesh felt familiar?”

Cas winced. “I already told you, it only happened the _one_ time, and it was an accident.”

Sam snickered. The two had read Gilgamesh a few weeks ago. As they discussed it, Sam had brought up that historians still weren’t sure whether Gilgamesh was a real person or merely a fictional character, but many historians pointed out that Gilgamesh was named on a list of kings in Mesopotamia. The angel had started fidgeting at the news, which had immediately caught Sam’s attention. When questioned, Castiel had started a story about how he had been stationed in ancient Mesopotamia; it had been his mission to protect one of the kings there, but the human guards had refused to let him in without identification. He had deemed knocking the humans out as a ‘regrettable’ course of action, and so had given them the name of a king from a well-known work of literature at the time: Gilgamesh. 

“I hadn’t thought my actions would be so… long-lasting,” Castiel had admitted in embarrassment. Sam, meanwhile, had gawked at the fact that such a small moment in Castiel’s life could have such an impact _thousands of years after it had happened._ “Otherwise, I might have just knocked out the guards.”

It was a humbling reminder that Castiel wasn’t simply a socially awkward friend of his. He was an angel: ancient, having seen and lived through far more than Sam would ever be able to comprehend. 

It was also a fairly amusing subject to tease the angel about, as Sam had quickly discovered.

“I know, Cas. If only the historians did, too.”

Castiel sighed, his eyes slipping closed in something like defeat. “Are we going to discuss the play or not?”

“Fine.”

Xxx

“Romeo is so ruled by his emotions, it’s not even funny. If the guy had just taken an hour to cry after being told Juliet was dead, then she would have woken up by the time he had gotten to her tomb! But nope, Mr. Impulsive rushed in and--” Sam huffed, frowning at the open book in his hands. “Well, look where that got him.”

“To be fair, if Romeo had not been so in touch with his emotions, he never would have fallen so deeply in love with Juliet in the first place, and the play itself would be baseless. Although it is hard to imagine that either character would commit suicide for each other, after knowing each other for only four days.”

“Yeah. It’s fiction, though-- they always play up romance like that.”

Castiel leaned closer, an eyebrow raised skeptically. “Do they? I thought the appeal of fiction was that the genre takes the chimerical and makes it feel real. Surely taking romance to unrealistic extremes would therefore take away the appeal.”

“Actually, it’s the opposite. Love at first sight sells. The more outrageous and dramatic it is, the more people love it.”

“Even if it’s unreasonable?”

“Especially if it’s unreasonable,” Sam said. “People don’t want logic and reason, they want… _adventure._ They want to be able to experience this impossible kind of passion and intensity, and romance in the media is just the outlet they use to do it.”

Sam could practically see the gears in Cas’ head turn as he processed the information. 

“It’s not that having a deep connection with another person is impossible,” Sam continued. “It’s just that these things take time. Writers don’t want to bore readers with too much exposition, so they end up cramming as much ‘romance’ as they can, which just… isn’t how it works.”

“You can never feel an instant connection to another being?”

“I wouldn’t say that. It’s more like… like you need time for it to mature into the happy relationship that everyone wants. You sure as hell don’t reach the deep level of commitment that a consummated marriage requires in four days.”

“How long would you say it takes, then?”

“Hmm. I guess it depends on the people, really. I know when I was in high school, I got crushes a lot, but it would take weeks sometimes for me to reach a place where I…” Sam cleared his throat, stalling for time to phrase what he wanted to say delicately. “Where I was comfortable enough to let the relationship _go_ places. And that’s just physically speaking, not including the marriage part.”

Cas stared for a few seconds, almost blankly, before comprehension dawned on his features. The understanding was quickly overshadowed by annoyance, however. “You’re using euphamisms to allude to sex.”

Sam winced. “Well, I was trying to avoid being blunt, but…”

“I truly wish you could settle on one connotation.” 

Castiel said the words in a huff, but there was something in his demeanor that gave Sam pause. It was uncertain, almost forlorn, and it was only there for a second before Cas schooled his features again, but it was there nevertheless.

“What do you mean, Cas?”

“Dean talks about sex like it’s the peak of human existence. Others treat it like a sin to be overcome, or an inevitable evil to suffer through. Some of the characters in this play speak of it in a joking manner. And you say sex is meant to be a sign of maturity, yet you avoid the topic as though it were indecent. It’s remarkably difficult to keep track of. It’s an inconsequential act, so I’m not sure why humans tend to look so deeply into it in the first place.”

“It’s just that there’s certain times when it would be ok to talk about it, and then there are times when it’s inappropriate. There’s not one set rule for how to feel about it; it’s relative to the situation, to the people or person you’re with, stuff like that. Yeah, it’s confusing, but… it’s just how it is.”

“Are we… supposed to be talking about it now?” Cas asked hesitantly. Sam could see the unspoken question in his eyes: _am I doing something wrong?_

“It’s fine, Cas. I just wasn’t sure if you’d want to go there, so I was trying to be politely indirect.”

“Oh. I have a question, then.”

“Shoot.”

“You said it takes time to get comfortable enough to ‘go places’ with someone. What about Dean’s one-night stands? By definition, they wouldn’t provide the time needed to instill carnal desires, yet they still exist.”

“That… that’s actually something I struggled with, for a while.” Sam shouldn’t have been so surprised at the incisive question (this was Castiel, after all, and the angel was nothing if not analytical and deeply observant), but here he was. Maybe it was because this was the kind of conversation he never could have had with Dean, and (since the hunter didn’t talk to many other people) had never expected to have in the first place. “Especially in high school. I had a few girlfriends who would actually get angry with me when I didn’t want to go to bed with them after dating them for a few days. I would get accused of not respecting or loving them enough, which honestly confused the Hell out of me. I mean, having sex with someone without knowing who they are as a person didn’t seem respectful to me, it seemed… wrong. Like something I didn’t want to do. It still does. I’ve thought about it since then, and I think the difference is that with a one-night stand, it’s not someone that you care about _,_ you know? It’s not someone you’re actively looking to care about.”

“It’s just about momentary pleasure, not about having a mature connection with someone.” Cas looked at Sam tentatively, as though asking for clarification on whether he was understanding it correctly. 

Sam nodded with a small smile. “Yeah. Exactly.” 

It was surprisingly relieving that Cas understood what he was trying to say. Sam had never talked to anyone about this before. He had struggled with these concepts in his youth, and since then, they had always been in the back of his mind as a nameless fear that there was something too _different_ about him. To finally put his thoughts into coherent words felt better than Sam could have imagined. 

Not that Sam had ever imagined saying any of this out loud before. But then again, his book club meetings with Castiel were always filled with surprises. 

“Having mature connections with people sounds nice,” Cas said softly. “But I don’t think I’ll ever feel that way about anyone.”

“Well, what about-”

Castiel tilted his head when Sam cut himself off. “What?”

Sam looked away. He had been going to ask _what about April?_ But now that Sam thought about it… whatever that encounter was, Cas had consented to be with a kindhearted human named April, not a manipulative reaper. Which meant that Cas hadn’t consented at all, which meant that he had been… which meant that mentioning April would _not_ bring up good memories. 

Castiel somehow seemed to know where Sam had been going with the stunted question, though. “You’re thinking of April.”

“I know that situation didn’t exactly work out all that well, but you still…”

Still what? Had a connection? Except Sam had _just_ finished explaining that you couldn’t feel that way about a person in four days, let alone one night. So April was just a one-night stand, then, and that didn’t count as having a connection. 

Castiel gave a long sigh. “April was… complicated. She had just taken me off the streets, given me food and a warm shelter for the night, even though I didn’t have any way to repay her. When she made her advances, I knew it would be rude to decline, and I also knew that sex was a human thing, and that I would need to get used to doing human things. I thought that I did it right, and then at the Bunker, I boasted about it, just like Dean does when he courts a female, so I _thought_ I did what I was supposed to, but now… I don’t know. I didn’t know until now that I was supposed to be feeling a connection when it happened. I’ve never felt anything like that before.”

“Hold on. You’re saying you had sex with April just because you thought you were _supposed_ to? Because you thought you weren’t allowed to say no?”

Castiel squinted. “Was that wrong of me to do?”

_“Cas._ God, Cas-- _yes,_ that was wrong!”

Cas made a movement suspiciously like a flinch as he averted his eyes. 

“No, wait-- that didn't come out right. Not ‘wrong’ as in you did something to hurt April, I meant ‘wrong’ as in you did something that hurt yourself! God, Cas, you don’t force yourself to do something like that! You do it because you want to, because you feel safe enough to be with someone in that way. You do it because it’s _your choice,_ not because you want to fit in, or because you think you have to!”

Sam didn’t realize it until he said it out loud, but Sam had learned that particular lesson the hard way, too, even if the details of his lesson plan were a bit different than Cas’ had been. 

“What if… what if I don’t want to? And what if I don’t want to have to?”

“You don’t have to,” Sam said gently. “And if you don’t ever want to do it, then that’s fine.”

Cas met Sam’s gaze. There was something heavy in his blue eyes as he processed Sam’s revelation, but there was something quietly hopeful, too. “It’s truly alright if all of my relationships are of the asexual variety? There would be nothing outlandish or unnatural about it?”

“Of course not. Why would there be anything unnatural about you doing what you need to do to be happy?”

Castiel let out a breath, and Sam politely ignored how shaky it was. “Thank you, Sam.”

The two took a few moments of silence as they contemplated the events of today’s book club meet. It was in this silence that Sam realized there was something there, niggling in the back of his head, but what was it…?

It was something Cas had said…

“Just now, did you say ‘asexual?’”

The angel straightened, surprised. “Yes.”

“What did you mean by that?”

“I just meant that all of my relationships would be devoid of sex,” Cas said slowly. “Why?”

“I _swear_ I’ve heard that word before, but that definition doesn’t seem right…”

“I imagine you might have heard it in school. In a biology class, to be specific. Asexual also refers to a means of reproduction without the union of gametes.”

“In school…” Sam muttered. Suddenly, everything seemed to click in place. “Oh! The GSB meets!”

“The what?”

“GSB!” Sam grinned. “The GSB Pride club!”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“It was this club we had in Stanford-- for all the queer students to meet up.”

“A club for all of the unusual students to meet up in?”

“Oh,” Sam frowned at the confusion in the angel's voice. “You don’t know about all of that, do you?”

“About all of _what?”_

“Shit. Ok, do you know what straight means? In terms of sexuality?”

“It means ‘not homosexual,’ correct?”

“Not… quite.” Sam paused. “Alright. Shit. There’s a lot to explain here.”

Castiel sighed, making a gesture with his hand for Sam to continue. “There always is. I’m willing to listen, though.”

Sam did his best to explain some of the common queer terminologies. Cas already seemed to know what gay and transgender meant, so at least he wasn’t completely clueless.

“So a ‘straight’ person is anyone who feels attraction to the opposite sex, and to the opposite sex only?” Cas asked when Sam was done.

“Yeah, you got it.”

“And if someone is not straight, that means they either don’t feel attraction to the opposite sex, or else they feel attraction to other sexes as well.”

“Yep! That’s where terms like bi and pansexual come into play.”

“Right. So queer doesn’t simply mean ‘unusual’ any more, it also refers to anyone who isn’t straight.”

“And transgender people,” Sam added. “You can’t forget them.”

Castiel nodded. “Transgender people, too. What does this have to do with GSB, though?”

“When I was in Stanford, I knew this girl. Jessica Moore.” Sam smiled sadly at her name. That was a whole other lifetime ago, at this point. “I say ‘knew.’ She was my girlfriend.”

Cas was watching him with cautious eyes. The angel hadn’t been there for that part of Sam’s life, but he knew the gist of the story. And he knew it didn’t end happily. Sam almost laughed-- as though being cautious now would be able to fix what had happened back then.

“She was bisexual. For her, that meant that she could feel attraction to all genders. We went to those GSB Pride meetings together.

“One day, there was this girl who tried to join our meets. I think her name was Robyn? Something like that. Anyway, she tried to join, but she identified as asexual. I didn’t know what that meant-- I still don’t, I guess-- but the other people at the club weren’t happy about it. They said she was basically straight, that it was a fake identity, that she didn’t belong there.

“Jess was pissed about that. Jess said that GSB was supposed to be about community and inclusion. That pushing Robyn away wouldn’t be any different than what conservative bigots did to the queer community as a whole.

“That Robyn girl, she didn’t try to come to another meeting. That was the last time I saw her, but I remember her because of how mad Jess was. Because of the way she fought for that girl. Jess was like that: fierce, loyal, always standing up for what was right. I think you would have liked her, Cas.”

The angel nodded slowly. “I think I would have liked her, too.”

Sam cleared his throat, trying to ignore the lump growing there and the burning in his eyes. When Sam pulled his phone out of his pocket, it was partly to give his hands something to do. But it was also because Jess had been so unyielding in her insistence that Robyn belonged, and Sam had been too swamped with studying for exams to understand why, or even to understand what Robyn’s identity _meant._ Jess was gone. There was no changing that, and no denying it either. But there was still this one link to his past, this one link to _her_ that Sam had left, and now that Sam remembered that moment in GSB… well, Sam could still do this one thing for her, even if she was long gone by now.

“I should have done this a long time ago…” Sam muttered as he typed ‘ _what does asexual mean’_ into the search bar.

He had to scroll a bit to bypass the biology sites that popped up, but it didn’t take as long as Sam would have thought to find what he was looking for. 

“Asexual,” Sam read aloud. “Noun. An asexual is a person who experiences little to no sexual attraction to others. It’s important to note that asexual is an umbrella term that encompasses a spectrum, meaning that asexual can mean different things to different people. An asexual may or may not experience romantic attraction to others, and may or may not desire romantic relationships.”

“I suppose that makes sense,” Cas said thoughtfully. “If there are people who can experience attraction to _all_ genders, then the other side of that would be people who experience attraction to _no_ genders whatsoever.”

“Yeah. Do you think that’s what you are? Asexual?”

Castiel sighed. He absently thumbed through the pages of _Romeo and Juliet._ “I don’t believe it matters. I don’t think I need a label. I’ll still be who I am, and still feel how I feel, whether or not the term applies to me.”

Sam nodded in acknowledgment. Sam had heard a lot of stories from GSB of the sheer relief and acceptance many people felt when they finally found a label that fit them. He knew that Cas had trouble fitting in and that sometimes it bothered the angel. But if Cas already knew who he was, with or without having a clear term, then good for him. 

The hunter kept scrolling through the page. There were a lot of terms he had never heard before on here: allosexual, aspec, acephobia, gray-asexual, aromantic…

Sam bookmarked the page, fully intending to read more into the topic when he had more time. Before he put his phone away, though, a word caught his eye. _Demisexual._

Admittedly, he only paid attention to it because his first thought upon seeing it was: _‘I didn’t know people loved Demi Lovato that much.’_

Sam’s gaze drifted from the word to the definition beside it. He immediately tensed. 

“Sam? Sam, what is it?”

“I… uh. It just-- it says demisexual here, and the definition…” 

“Is it something bad?” Cas asked. 

“No. No, it just says that a demisexual is a person who doesn’t experience sexual attraction to someone until a close emotional connection has been formed.”

“That sounds similar to what you were describing earlier.” 

It _did_ sound similar to what he had said. But there was no way that Sam could be demisexual, because _everyone_ liked to get to know the person they were dating before their mind focused on what the person was like in bed, right? Getting to know someone was different than fostering a close emotional connection. Sam wasn’t anything special. He was just… normal. He was normal, and everyone was normal, and there was no way this ‘demisexual’ label could apply to Sam. Just no way. 

Except… all those girlfriends who had gotten angry at him when he refused to go to their bedroom on the first date. What about them? They clearly hadn’t been experiencing a lack of sexual attraction to him. And all those books and movies that depicted sexual attraction as being instantaneous… Hell, if sexual attraction really took weeks for people to experience, then hook-ups and one-night stands wouldn’t be so popular, would they? Sam had thought that he had this whole thing figured out, but maybe… maybe he was wrong. 

Sam stared down at that word. _Demisexual._ Apparently, Sam’s experiences weren’t just not normal, his experiences were uncommon enough to need a word to define them, to define _him,_ as an anomaly. 

“Do you think that’s what you are?” Cas asked gently. 

Sam looked up, surprised. He had been so caught up in his thoughts, he had almost forgotten the angel was there. There was no sign of anything hostile in the angel’s gaze, no sign that he now thought of Sam as something _other_ or _wrong._ There was just warmth and curiosity. 

Maybe Sam was mistaken. If he was demisexual, then the word didn’t exist to set him apart from the world at all. It existed to give him a name to the experience that plenty of other people had felt, too. Being demisexual wouldn’t mean that Sam was alone; it would mean he had a community of people who knew what he was going through and who had felt the same confusion and hurt that he had felt. “I’d have to do more research into it, but… maybe. Maybe I am.” 

_‘Demisexual.’_ God, he loved the way that word sounded. _‘Demisexual.’_

Castiel smiled. His head was canted to the side and his brows furrowed in a way that he got when he understood there was a very good, very important Human Thing happening, but when the emotional or cultural significance of the moment escaped him.

The angel pulled his now-cooled mug of hot cocoa close and took a sip. “You were right,” he said. “It _is_ easier to drink now.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably way too dialogue heavy, but that's kinda the point. It took me a while to get this written and posted, but boy do I love procrastinating. Especially when I don't actually have a deadline. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading, and please feel free to correct me if you think I've misrepresented asexuality or Cas' experience with April. I do want to note, though, that Sam and Cas don't really know the difference between romantic and sexual attraction in this, so it was difficult to try to balance their unwitting ignorance and the accurate representation of asexuality.


End file.
